1500 Miles of Pure Faith

By Lisa Gordon January 3rd, 2023

It's a new year. New "resolutions, new hopes, new promises to ourselves, new chances. For some, it will mean a time for renewed faith.

2020 tested me (it tested a lot of us, if not everyone; in many different ways). 2021 offered many different things. Good and bad. But 2022. 2022 tried to straight break me in a way I've never been "broken". While 2022 was so painful for me in a new way, the last months of 2019 & first month of 2020 were the worst pain I think I had ever felt in a long time. I may talk about that later in this blog. If not, I definitely will in another one later.

We can have the utmost faith in God and be "tested" in many different ways (God doesn't test us concerning sin, remember). Without going into detail now, late 2019, early 2020 tested my faith in one way, while late spring & summer 2022 tested it in another way.

My boyfriend & I have been/had been together for almost 8 years. If I were to go into detail on some of the main red flags/concerns/issues THE whole time basically, I would have to go on & on, but I really just want to get to the point. The reason for the title of this blog. The important matter :)

We've had a lot of issues, but a few key things to remember is 1) he has absolutely been my best friend through these years, regardless of any issues. 2) I've been able to communicate with him more than I have ever been able to with anyone in terms of relationships (2 serious & a 15 year marriage). 3) I've never showed as much grace & forgiveness in a relationship & realized that's what it was (not that I haven't been through worse & had to forgive worse; different mentality then, different reasons). 4) I will always love him as a person no matter what happens to our relationship/friendship.

Now that I've shared that, I'll try to get on with it. Due to the issues & nature of our continuing problems/issues, and red flags I've ignored from day 1 (literally), our relationship literally just continued to deteriorate & the 1st several months of 2022, I would pray daily on my way to work for our relationship, for God's confirmation in what I knew. I would pray for my workplace. I was working at a little restaurant on the bay in Tawas that I absolutely loved & made killer money at. I was at the point that I knew I had to "get out". I had to leave if I wanted to live (spiritually, mentally, emotionally- NOT at all about physical abuse; that wasn't an issue at all).

I kept telling myself I could stick it out through summer, where I could bank 25-30k and have enough to leave on. When I moved in with him in 2016 I sold all my furniture/house stuff. Everything I owned except my car, personal belongings, and clothes. What I now had, we had accumulated together. Every bit of money I made I put into our new home together. He always took such good care of me. He's a great provide. I love buying for the home.

Making such great $ and trying to stick it out, I knew, and God knew I would NOT leave, so in late June when I got fired (for absolutely NO reason), I was devastated, heartbroken, and devastated, BUT I knew what was happening. All the months of praying, I knew what God was doing, and boy, was I scared!!

I filed for unenjoyment the next day, applied for a few local jobs, got scammed by one, posted an ad on a local FB community page & got tons of work for the month cleaning Airbnb's, resorts, and some houses. Enough to pay my bills & some extra. Things between him & I were still just boiling over, yet I was afraid to leap, although I knew it was more than needed.

I seriously cannot even explain how I felt. I still loved him & WANTED things to work. I wasn't "done". I've always been one to leave, but when I left, I was already done. I did all the crying before finalizing, therefore when it was time to walk, it wasn't so rough. Yes, after my divorce I was absolutely hurt and I grieved everything for about a year. I'm no stranger to grief. The death grief. The kind you don't "through" or "over", and just learn to live with the hole(s), but not this kind. With the grief from loss such as a divorce, there IS another side, unlike grief from loss/death.

I was dealing with feelings, deep feelings of rejection, abandonment, betrayal, emptiness, shame, confusion, regret,anger, and a million other feelings. I'm not going to detail a couple of things that pushed everything over the edge because this blog is not about shaming him or dogging him, and disclosing personal things like that won't change the context of this blog any. You'll likely just get it without every detail.

Anyway, something happened that just screamed "go!" I was waiting for him to sell the pontoon (that was in my name; I had already signed the title) so that I would have some "walking" $). It was already decided that I was gonna go to Texas and stay a bit with my sissy & the kids. Sarah & I have always been pretty close over the 25+years her & my baby brother we're together, but we became so much closer as my brother was dying & after. An unbreakable/unshakeable bond. One I have no words for.

Big things were going on for her/them. She needed me & I needed her. I needed her positivity & presence, and she needed me.

Now for the reason for the title of this blog. The couple weeks leading up to my finally leaving, my feelings of fear were up & down, mostly fearful, BUT I knew that I could fully rely on my ever faithful God. It got to the point that I felt like my wings were being clipped, yet I knew I had what it takes to claw my way out, since I couldn't fly. I was so disappointed. I left my career & my family and moved 2 hours away with Danny. He bought a house on the lake & we fully remodeled the whole thing together. 80% of it being just him & I. I had blood, sweat, and tears into it & also had to walk away from it & it just wasn't fair. I WAS putting effort into the relationship. I warred in prayer daily as well.

When it became apparent that I couldn't wait around to make more money and fulfill the commitments I had already made to my clients, I just packed up enough things for several days, I hopped in my car & I drove to my aunts cabin an hour & 20 minutes away. I didn't say a word to him. He was working across the street & I just left. After a few hours he was texting & calling asking where I was, if I was okay. He was worried. I didn't respond until the next day. He was reaching out to my daughter & I didn't want her in that spot, and I honestly didn't want him worrying about me.

That wasn't my intention or point. I just had to go & ONLY worry about me, and that's what I did. I enjoyed working outside at the cabin. I enjoyed time with both my aunts & their cousin. I went back a few days later to drop laundry off that was in my trunk. I contacted a client & told her I couldn't clean the lake house Sunday & that the laundry would be at the house. I grabbed a few more things & left again.

I came back Sunday & cleaned a place down the road to make a little more $, and I started packing what I would be taking to Texas (everything in the house that was mine, I had already packed weeks before). Monday I finished packing & I also cleaned the whole house for him & was so uneasy. I was devastated, scared, so hurt, etc. we ended up drinking & I got mad at him and slept in my car after packing it up for Texas. Not before I was so angry that I kicked a humongous boulder (idiot, I know). After a couple hours of sleeping in my car, I woke up with severe pain going all the way up my leg. I went inside & tried to sleep in the guest bed. I tried to sleep in the recliner, thinking having my leg up would give me some relief. Nope. All I kept thinking was it & my toes were broken, I was gonna have to go to urgent care and how was I going to drive to Texas (I didn't mention that I was driving 20 hours one way by myself with very little money & a 2009 vehicle 😩) I took 2-800mg Motrin & finally got some relief & fell asleep.

When I woke up, I showered, got ready, finished loading up my car & as I was he said he was sorry for making me mad. I was still so angry, I literally told him to just fuck off. I took off with him in disbelief that I would just do that. I went to the local tire place to have them check my tires out, then rite aid to take my blood pressure so I could get my medicine mailed to me. Yeah right. It was way too high, of course, considering the amount of emotion running through me.

I couldn't leave without hugging him. I couldn't leave him feeling like that (imagine that-I was more concerned about him, as usual). I went back. He came to my window. We talked for about 5 or so minutes & sobbed and sobbed.

I left & headed two hours away to my sons to stay the night with him before taking off to Texas. I cried the whole way. I sobbed the whole way. I had to pull over for about 20 minutes when I got to pinconning. I am feeling some of these emotions again as I think of these months and that day again. I didn't intend for this to be so lengthy. I am going to leave this here & do a part 2 very soon. I'm sure you get the drift as far as the title is concerned though :)

Please comment and share your thoughts, experiences, an input if you'd like. I promise I'll update very soon! I have a state exam to study for tomorrow, then the actual exam Thursday morning. I'll will update after that :)

Thank you for reading ❣️

Lisa